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Expert Q&A

	By Jenny Lewis, M.D. Pediatrician

My 10-year-old boy has been having trouble staying overnight with friends this year, Both times we've tried, he has called in tears and wants to come home. He did not have the same problem last year. He calls what he's feeling "homesickness." How can I help him to stay and enjoy his overnighters with friends?

The question suggests that homesickness and separation anxiety have not been a problem for this boy, or only an incidental part of growing up. If this behavior is part of a long pattern of separation crises, then it should be dealt with in an entirely different manner.

Many 10-year-old boys face new challenges at home, at school, and among their peer group. Before any parent can know what to do about coming home from sleepovers -- or school avoidance, or feeling friendless, or a host of other "surprises" -- it's necessary to find a way to listen to what the child says is causing the behavior. Without knowing the cause behind the effect, any action could be appropriate or very inappropriate. Tears may signal he's scared, lonely, embarrassed, hurt, confused, humiliated or disappointed.

While boys at this age are rarely talkative, in this circumstance the ride home is a great opportunity to simply hear what happened. There will be plenty of time later to offer editorial advice or make judgments -- this is not the time or place. Listen to the story. Do the kids want to stay up all night and make fun of your child's wise decision to go to sleep? Are there other bedtime antics that bother him? Does he not like the scary movies the other kids insist on watching? Are the rules at the house where he's staying way out of line with yours? Does he have some bedtime habit (light on, door open/shut) or some bedtime attire the group ridicules? Does he get teased about his hair, his religion, his body shape, or perhaps get taunted with being "gay"?

Then again, what happens or gets said when he's visiting may not be the problem at all. Perhaps he regrets missing an activity at home that he imagines would be more fun. Other kids are worried about their parents -- will they fight? Will they drink too much or use drugs? Others wonder "Can I protect Mom or Dad from an abusive spouse or significant other?" All these are unfortunately common reasons to not be away from home.

At the age of 8 or 10, the sudden onset of separation anxiety or "homesickness" in response to a brief absence like a sleepover has been associated with personality disorders such as obsessive compulsive disorder. A dramatic and unanticipated change in behavior can also be the result of a particular incident or experience of physical or sexual abuse, which any parent is reluctant to consider or approach. Regrettably such events can happen with an adult at a specific home or within the group. Children subject to peer abuse will usually withdraw from many or all group activities. Children trying to cope with adult abuse, especially from the parent of a friend, will feel torn, but typically do fine at other houses.

Fortunately most parents rarely face this issue, and can really find out what they can do to help when they listen to their childų story and then act in an appropriate and supportive way.

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