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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

My daughter has just started fourth grade. Her schoolwork has always been good, but now she seems overwhelmed and expects me to help her every step of the way. We have always been involved in her studies and I feel I may be now too involved. She demands all my time and depends on me to do everything for her and, when told to clean up or do her room etc., she avoids it or comes up with a hundred excuses as to why she cannot do it now. Her statement recently: "Mom you have no idea how much I have to do." I believe I have loved her to the point of hurting her. I believe I have enabled her and now I need help on how to give her structure, stick-to-it-ness and how to help her to grow up.

Perhaps you have identified the problem and perhaps not! I invite you to not be too harsh on yourself, to not look backward very much in this matter, and to focus on your future actions with your child. I suspect what is missing are simple ground rules, and consequences to match.

In raising four sons it seems we had an opportunity to try out every method of child rearing then available! One of the most profound things we ever discovered was with our son Andy, who was in the second grade at the time. Daily, it seemed, he brought notes home from school regarding his restlessness, his lack of attention to studying. Of course, we would meet with his teachers, attempt to work with him at home, but it never seemed to make much difference.

One day the light bulb went on for us. We sat Andy down and explained to him that we had taken the responsibility of his studying away from him, and we apologized, and told him whatever he wanted to do about schoolwork was fine with us, and there would be consequences. One being when he failed, (by this time he wasn't going to be passed to the next grade) while his friends would be in the next grade, he could make new friends, and for sure he could see his old friends at recess! By this time the teacher had placed Andy's desk in the back of the room, facing the back of the room!

For several days Andy kept bringing teacher notes home, and we would ignore them, telling Andy it was his problem to resolve, and we didn't care how long he was in school, after all what was the hurry? Needless to say, when Andy realized it was indeed his problem, we were not going to interfere, we weren't going to do anything but watch life's normal consequences take over, he began to shift. In a short time his desk was turned around, his grades began to improve, and he was promoted to third grade.

My point here: Have your child be responsible for her actions. Explain to her the consequences of her not studying, and the critical issue is you have to be all right with this! It is said "to have something precious, you have to be willing to not have it, or it has you, and I think this is one of those.

Also, I invite you to put in boundaries for both yourself and your daughter regarding her demanding all of your time. Some version of "thank you for sharing" and "now go do what I have ask you to do" would be in order here. And, if she continues this behavior, install natural consequences, such as taking away the most important thing coming up in her life; not allowing her to have a friend over or taking the next sleepover away. It is OK if she doesn't like it. Your job is to raise this child, not to win a popularity contest! You can be her "friend" when she is much older, right now your role is to be her parent.

And what happened to Andy? He completed his education, and averaged an A during his college studies, so you see it does all turn out!

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