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Expert Q&A

	By Keath Castelloe Low child and adolescent psychologist

My stepdaughter will be 13 in 5 months, and while I fully understand and support the confusing, hormonally charged and awkward stage in her life that she is going through, I find her extremely manipulative and demanding of my attention. As a stepmother, I feel I am expected to endulge her every whim and fancy because if I am as strict with her as I am with my own children (2 sons age 12 and 14), I feel like my husband thinks I am "picking on her." She tests me all the time and is very needy of constant attention. She writes me letters daily. One day, for example, she is asking if I still love her and am happy she is my daughter, and when I reassure her that I most definitely am, she cries and performs and works herself up into a state. The next morning, I will get a letter thanking me for being there when she needed me (the night before). This type of thing happens more and more frequently, and I am starting to feel resentful and used, especially because in front of her dad, she is an angel and shows absolutely NO sign of the roller coaster personality I get the benefit of dealing with. I would greatly appreciate your opinion on whether I am being overly sensitive because she is my stepchild and not my biological child, and as to whether her behavior is normal. She lives with us (and has since her dad and I got together) as her mother died 3 years ago, so I really am her only mom and am the only female role model. I don't want to push her away, but she is irritating me beyond words and I need help dealing with this.

I am so sorry things have been like a roller coaster at home. It sounds like you are at your wits end and feel alone and unsupported as a parent. Blended families are unique and sometimes complicated and your family has the added emotional issue of a major loss for your stepdaughter, the death of her biological mother three years ago.

Your job as a parent, whether it is as a biological parent or step parent, is to set limits and expectations for your children and enforce consequences when your child is not following the rules. You can still be loving, kind and empathetic in your approach. You need to continue to be predictable and consistent. This gives children a sense of security and safety. Your stepdaughter needs to feel this now more than ever. It is important that you and your husband are a unified parental team. Sit down with him and come up with some house rules you expect all of the children to follow. Present the rules together to the children and discuss consequences. Then enforce the rules consistently with all the kids.

You are an extraordinarily important figure in your stepdaughter's life. Obviously, you are doing something very right. She trusts you. That is why she is able to fall apart in front of you. She is testing you. "If I try to push my stepmother away, will she leave me as my mother did?"

The death of a parent brings about many feelings. One of those feelings is abandonment. There is also often a sense of powerlessness, anger, hurt and sadness. This is all normal and part of the grieving process, especially for children. When your stepdaughter pushes and tests you, it may give her a sense of control. "I'm going to push you away before you can leave me." Then she becomes fearful and anxious that you may actually leave and as a result she becomes needy and apologetic.

Talk openly with your stepdaughter about her feelings. Describe her behaviors and help her to label her emotions. Try to structure the day so you have regular one-on-one time with her. I know this is hard with two other children in the home. Enlist your husband's help to watch the boys while you and your stepdaughter go on walks together. Make it a regular activity. Work together to plan and make a special meal to surprise her father. This way she gains your attention, but in a positive and productive way. When she becomes needy and demanding remind her you will be able to give her your full attention when you go for your walk together, etc.

Last but not least, find ways to take care of and indulge yourself. Being a mother/stepmother is a demanding job. You need down time, too. Have your husband, family member or friend watch the kids so you can have some time alone to relax and rejuvenate. It may be as simple as going out to the library or park and spending one hour of uninterrupted time reading a favorite book or magazine. Treat yourself to a manicure or massage. Walk through the mall and window shop. Exercise while listening to fun music. Meet a friend for coffee. Don't forget to nurture your marital relationship, too. Plan regular dates with your husband where you don't discuss the kids at all.

Best of luck!

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