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Expert Q & A

Top : General : Is appropriate to ask my sons if they have ever had homosexual feelings?

Preteenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers:
Is appropriate to ask my sons if they have ever had homosexual feelings?
By Chris Crutcher
Author
Licensed Child and Family Therapist
 		Chris Crutcher

Question:


I have two preteen boys, and I want them to know that I am supportive of them in all ways. I have been reading and thinking a lot about the issue of homosexuality, and I have made a conscious effort to help and support my boys, should one of them, indeed, be homosexual. My question is whether or not it is appropriate to ask if they have ever had these types of feelings? I am very confused as to how to actually support a gay child – even though I am not certain if I have one at all. Is there a way to find out without seeming like I am prying?

Answer:


I guess I'd want to know why you've been reading and thinking so much about homosexuality. Your tone insinuates something "grave" about it. If that is your state of mind, take a breath and relax.

No, I don't think it's a good idea to ask if either of them has had those "types of feelings," particularly if you're worried, because what they will hear is "worried." I'd let any conversation about that come up naturally.

And the way to support a gay child is to treat them as if the whole world is gay. Treat conversations with candor and humor and make sure they know they are growing up in a bigoted world that you are not a part of. Look, gay kids suffer more depression than other kids and have a horrific suicide rate, not because they're gay, but because of the response of a bigoted culture. Give me a gay kid over the age of 12 who doesn't know who Matthew Shepherd is and I'll give you a kid in a tiny minority.

Homosexuality is as natural as heterosexuality, simply less common. You can take some of the edge off by treating it that way. I would also, were I in your shoes, explore deep into my own psyche to discover how much of the subtlety of that bigoted culture has rubbed off on me, and deal with that. Even if neither of your kids is gay, it will serve you well, should our culture become civilized.

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