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Expert Q & A

Top : Independence : How can we assure my 10-year-old stepson of his security so he will sleep in his own bed?

Preteenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers:
How can we assure my 10-year-old stepson of his security so he will sleep in his own bed?
By Chris Crutcher
Author
Licensed Child and Family Therapist
 		Chris Crutcher

Question:


I recently became an instant stepmother to a 10-year-old boy. His father has full custody. For nine months prior to our marriage, I lived in the home (in my own room). Every so often, the child was allowed to sleep with Dad. Now that we are married, I do not approve, especially since we have a queen size bed and the father is 6 feet, 8 inches tall. Not only do we not have room, but this is a large 10-year-old boy, and I am a woman who does not feel comfortable about having him lying in between us. He has a wonderful bed, and we have made it as comfortable as possible. The father doesn't want to turn away his son, but we do need our sleep, and with a kicking 10-year-old, it is difficult. How can we assure him of his security? He wants to sleep with Dad all the time.

Answer:


There will be people who will give me my lunch on this one, but if part of the problem is your husband being 6 feet, 8 inches, cut off his legs. Hee hee. Only fooling.

You both have the right to be comfortable in bed, and your stepson has the right to feel safe, which puts us seemingly at odds. Sleeping with a kicking 10-year-old just ain't no fun. So how about this? How about moving his bed, or a small single bed, in next to your husband's side of the bed and letting him sleep there for now. A lot of people will tell you "Life is tough and he has to learn." Well I have no problem with the idea that life is tough, but we don't have to make it tougher. He will learn. Developmentally he will continue to work toward autonomy, so this thing will fix itself, and the less conflict it causes, the sooner it will work itself out.

This may be my "Color Purple" view of the world, but I would look at his insecurity as a symptom of what happens to kids when important (and scary) changes happen, and rather than evaluate or judge him, evaluate and judge how we're doing in the relationship to allay his fears. If you get the sense that he's "manipulating" (I call that the "m" word), so what? Decrease his need to manipulate. (Show me a person who isn't manipulative; never knew why people were so disgusted with that concept.) If the situation feels competitive, don't compete. Whatever you do, don't fall into stepparent's hell, which is responding to a kid's struggle to prove the biological parent loves him/her or will choose him/her.

I really understand your wish not to have him lying between you, and that needs to be respected. The trick is to provide the greatest relief to him with the least discomfort to you. Of course, you being the adult, your discomfort will be greater than his relief will be greater. And there is nothing wrong with rewarding him for nights spent in his own room. No reason to go overboard with it, but it's a great way to earn extra privileges, especially those privileges that make him feel grown up. The more he goes for those, the more he'll want to get back to his own room. Good for both of you for considering him. So many people ask a stepparent to charge in and take full control, when there is no way most kids can tolerate that.

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