728x90
my iParenting
From Our Sponsors
e-newsletters
Sign up to receive our free weekly e-newsletters

new terms of use
new privacy policy
award-winning products
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families.

Expert Q & A

Top : General : My 12-year-old son does not want to move with us. Do you have any suggestions?

Preteenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers:
My 12-year-old son does not want to move with us. Do you have any suggestions?
By Chris Crutcher
Author
Licensed Child and Family Therapist
 		Chris Crutcher

Question:


My future husband is in the Army, and we may have to move to Germany. My 12-year-old son does not want to go. He has even been acting out because of this. He now says he wants to live with his father. I don't think it is a good idea to live with his dad. Between him and his wife, they have four children. If my son moves there, they will have five. I don't know what to do. I don't want to move to Germany without him. Do you have any suggestions?

Answer:


I'm probably going to ask more questions here than give answers. First, there is a specific set of problems for kids that go with military life. So many adults who move around as kids lose their sense of permanency and come away with the capability to get into relationships knowing they're going to lose them. This presents, like I said, a specific set of problems later on.

So, going into the military life, you have to factor that in. A whole bunch of military people will tell you, "I survived it, and I turned out OK." That may be true, but it is a specific set of problems, and you have to ask yourself if you can accommodate them.

When you say you don't think it's a good idea for him to go to his dad's, I can't tell if that's for you or for him. Lots of people with four kids do just fine with five kids – and lots of people don't. You have to ask yourself if his going with his father is really a bad idea or if it would just be about your loss. You also want to know how much he would miss you if he did go with his dad and you go to Germany. That's information you can only get from him.

I also don't know what kind of relationship he has with your husband-to-be. That would be hugely important.

It is a cultural thing we do as Americans to say we're going to do what we do as adults, and kids simply have to adjust. Many do; many don't. It might not be a bad idea to find a really good family therapist and go in with your son – and maybe your fiancé and your son – and get as much of what is not said here out on the table.

It is not something you want to do without looking at all your options, one of which may be letting him stay with his dad to finish out whatever natural school time goes with this set of friends (there are breaks between junior high and high or between elementary and junior high). He may also decide, if he goes with his dad for a while, that the five kid thing isn't for him and will choose to follow you. He's getting of the age where, while he can't be asked to make these decisions by himself, he should have some input. Again, get a good look through his eyes before you make your decision.

Have a question for one of our experts?
Ask it at the Q & A desk!