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Expert Q & A

Top : General : Why doesn't my daughter appreciate what she has, instead of complaining about what she doesn't have?

Preteenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers:
Why doesn't my daughter appreciate what she has, instead of complaining about what she doesn't have?
By Chris Crutcher
Author
Licensed Child and Family Therapist
 		Chris Crutcher

Question:


My 9-year-old daughter has been giving me such attitude lately. I know it comes with puberty, and I'm expecting SOME...but, where did she ever get the idea that the world owes her everything? Why does she refuse to accept "no" as an answer from anyone? If she doesn't like my response to one of her requests, she pouts and sometimes even says hurtful things to me, thinking that it will change my response (which, it never does – once I say no I stick with it).

I gave her very nice birthday gifts the other day, and she liked everything – yet a few minutes after she opened them, she says that she really wanted this other toy. I couldn't believe it! Why doesn't she appreciate what she has, instead of complaining about what she doesn't have?

Did I mess up somewhere along the line? How did my sweet, adorable, liked-by-everyone toddler grow up to be such a selfish young lady? I do not buy her everything in sight when we are out shopping. I have made an effort to be very good about that. Yet, she harps on me when I say, "No, not today." Does anyone have advice on this? It seems like anything I say to her goes in one ear and out the other. I feel like I am giving the same speech constantly, but it is a complete waste of time, and I am starting to feel like I failed miserably as her mom. Help!

Answer:


Hey, if she weren't being such a "pill" it wouldn't be "attitude," would it? My favorite saying for getting through their adolescence is, "Don't judge and don't take it personally." You're doing the right thing by sticking to your guns, and it never hurts to let her know when she says something hurtful to you, what your response is. She doesn't appreciate what she has rather than what she doesn't have because she's 9 and, as you said, going into puberty, which seems to be happening earlier and earlier these days, at least for some kids.

You also want to know that kids go through developmental stages of equilibrium and dis-equilibrium. The dis-equilibrium stages are tough. The "no" and rejection behavior usually comes from a feeling of being out of control. It will get better. You asked how your loving toddler grew up to be like this. She hasn't grown up. This isn't permanent. Take a deep breath, stick to your guns (don't criticize, just respond) and give it time. When she complains just say you know how it feels to be dissatisfied, and let it go at that.

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