Chapter 11
Telephoning Home

Ten-year-old Sarah wants to call Mom from Dad's house.

Child's Point of View: I Just Wanted to Call Home
"I didn't think when I asked if I could call home that it would end up as such a disaster! I mean I just wanted to talk to Mom. All of a sudden I really missed her, even though it was only a day since I last saw her. I don't know why, but I kind of worry about her when I can't be sure where she is or what she's doing -- not that I think she'd forget me or anything... But anyway, Dad was getting dinner ready, so I asked if I could call Mom. Well, first Dad got that irritated look on his face and said it really wasn't a good time. Then he did his why-do-you-have-to-call-Mom-all-the-time speech... the one that goes, "We're having a good time aren't we? You'll be seeing Mom soon, so you really don't have to call all the time and interrupt what we're doing." Well I wasn't having a good time right then, but if I said that I was afraid I'd hurt his feelings, so I just cried. Then Dad got all worried and said he didn't want me to cry, and I could phone.

I wish that had been all, but it got worse! I phoned Mom and she could hear from my voice that I'd been crying. She seemed very sympathetic so I asked if I could come home instead of staying the night with Dad. Big mistake!! Mom asked to speak to Dad. Dad wouldn't come to the phone, saying he was "too busy" cooking, and told me I should say goodbye to Mom and come eat. I started to cry again; Mom started telling me that she thought Dad was being thoughtless; and then Dad snatched the phone, shouted at her, and hung up.

All that because I wanted to call home! Sometimes I really don't think either of them cares what I want. They're too busy making sure they get what they want. I hate all this! I hate when Mom and Dad shout at each other over me. And most of all I hate myself when it's all my fault."

Parent's Point of View: Will Every Visit Fall Apart Like This?
"I'm really discouraged. Is it too much to expect a great day and an enjoyable evening with Sarah? We'd had a great time together at the park and the movies and then, without warning, the evening was a disaster.

When we got back to my apartment we played cards until I started to prepare dinner. Sarah looked a little bored but I couldn't play and make dinner at the same time, so I asked her to set the table. Then it all started.

"What are we having to eat?" she asked in that negative tone of voice I hate.

"Spaghetti and meatballs, your favorite," I replied, trying to stay cool.

"It's not any more," I heard her mutter under her breath.

Not wanting to start an argument I ignored her, but could see we were heading in the wrong direction. After another prompt to please set the table, she glared at me and said, "I want to call Mom."

Those dreaded words! How my heart sinks when she says that. I know she's only a kid, and of course she loves her Mom, but couldn't we have one whole day in which Kathy, or the "ghost" of Kathy, didn't invade our time together? I suppose a perfect parent would have said, "Yes of course darling, I know you miss your Mommy very much. I'll put all the just-ready-to-eat dinner in the oven and you may talk with Mommy just as long as you like." Instead I told her the truth. I didn't think it was a good time and it wasn't really necessary. That did not have the desired effect. Tears started to flow, and I handed her the phone.

If only that had been all. The next thing I hear is, "I want to go home NOW, and Mom wants to speak to you."

Speaking to Kathy these days has to be the most unproductive activity imaginable, so I said I was too busy cooking and invited Sarah to get off the phone so we could talk about it together. She declined.

"He won't talk to you and he won't let me come home," she sobbed into the phone.

I couldn't see any other way out... I took the phone from her hands, said an angry goodbye, and hung up.

The next hour was pure hell. Sarah crying and slamming doors. Me telling her I loved her and just wanted to spend time together. And then, emotionally drained, I looked at my little girl and her tear stained face and took her home to her Mom. Now I just feel empty and hopeless. When will this end?"

Making Sense of It All
The dilemma of what to do when the visiting child wants to either call home, or go home, is one faced by most non-residential parents. Calling at mealtimes or bedtime is extremely disruptive, but because the activity is associated with the absent parent, a request to call at these times is not unusual. Unfortunately the call often only makes the visiting child more homesick.

There may not be a solution to the calling home dilemma that is equally acceptable to both parents and children. Most children would like complete freedom to "phone home" whenever they want, most non-residential parents would like their limited time with the kids to be free of interference from the other parent, and most parents would like to hear from their children while they are away on visitation weekends without having to sit home waiting for an unscheduled call. It is important to have ground rules about phoning which are agreeable to the other parent and your children before there is an issue.

General Guidelines:
Our advice is:

• Limit the calls to one per day and discuss together the time when calls are permissible at the outset of the visit.
• Arrange the call after breakfast, before the day's activities start, to guarantee the parties will be available to talk to each other. This timing gives an opportunity for the kids to share yesterday's activities and today's plans.
• Have the kids initiate the call, rather than planning to have the other parent check in.
• If the time away is to be longer than usual set up a system to exchange or send faxes, email or letters, all of which are more tangible than phone calls
• The "at home" parent should be reassuring to the absent child that he/she is missing them but not lonely and share stories of what he/she has been doing.