Ali Pohn McCarthy recounts a recent episode with her adolescent daughter, Lexie, just one battle in a small war that wages daily in her household.

"We were going shopping for school clothes last weekend," Ali says. "[My daughter] knew that we had plans to do that, and I was telling her what she needed to have done before we went. She put her hands over her ears. I said, 'Forget it -- we're not going.'"

Mothers of preteenage and teenage girls the world over experience the same thing to varying degrees: the struggle of young daughters to separate themselves from their mothers. It manifests itself in rolling eyes, stomping feet, backtalk and flat-out defiance. This common phenomenon leaves moms groping in the dark for a way to re-connect, while their annoyed daughters barrel ahead into young adulthood as though they want no ties to the little girls they once were.

The Search For Self
Most children -- both girls and boys -- typically distance themselves from their parents around the time they enter adolescence. But there seems to be something special about same-sex parent-child relationships, says University of Illinois psychology professor Karen Rudolph, adding that daughters are more often expected to be like their mothers than like their fathers.

Lexie, now 13, was about 11 years old when her quest to carve out an identity started leading to routine clashes with her mother. But becoming an individual can seem difficult when you attend the same school your mother attended and even taught at. In fact, one of Lexie's teachers was her mother's teacher years ago.

"In many ways, she can't get away from me," Ali says.

Nor does she really want to, says Rudolph.

"There is more stress, more conflict in terms of kids individuating themselves from families," Rudolph says. "People sometimes interpret that to mean that families become less important and peers become more important. But the fact that girls experience more conflict doesn't make [their family] relationships less important."

The results are mixed signals. Children want their own space and freedom, but they want and value parental support at the same time. Ali has noticed this contradiction in her own daughter.

"The past six months, it's been sort of like living with Sybil; one minute she's cuddly, the next minute..." she laughs. "It's not just every day that's different. It's every minute."

The Transfer of Power
Most of the disputes at this age will be over decision-making. Children want control over their own lives; yet parents are hesitant to hand over that control at a time when the stakes are much higher and bad decisions can have life-altering consequences. As Ali says, "The trouble [teens] get into is not about taking an extra cookie. It's a lot bigger than that."

But psychologists suggest that handing over some control can actually be part of the solution to teenage turmoil.

"One of the things that seems to be really predictive of how kids do is how much kids have a sense of mastery or control over different parts of their lives," Rudolph says. "Giving kids more independence may reduce some of this conflict. Allowing kids to make some of their own decisions -- within reason -- may actually help."

Ali decided to give her daughter some say in shopping for school clothes. She added up the estimated cost of everything Lexie would need for school. Then, she let her daughter decide what clothes to buy with that amount. Ali says it gives her daughter control over what she wears, which tends to be an important issue in the life of a 13-year-old girl.

"She's really enjoying that independence," Ali says. "It has made shopping with her easier. I found that putting the decision in her lap and the wallet in her pocket has made it so that she does ask my opinion."

Like A Big Oak Tree
Rudolph suggests that parents find the amount of involvement that both grants some autonomy and provides steady guidance.

"Being able to hold back a little bit, being involved but not necessarily over-involved," she advises. "That's difficult for parents to do and to know where to draw the line."

"I've heard a therapist describe it as where a parent should be a tree," Ali says. "Like a big oak tree and just be there and be stable when they want you. And when they move away, let them move away."

But Ali admits this is a difficult inaction to master, one that is antithetical to parental instinct.

"I think for me there's a real sorrow to it," she says. "I've lost a child. She's definitely a young lady in so many ways. It goes by so quickly and you're just not ready for it. You turn around and you're sharing shoes. And I miss the 4-year-old. I miss the 10-year-old that she was."

After a recent disagreement over extracurricular activities, Lexie suddenly flip-flopped and nonchalantly said she agreed with her mother's opinion.

Smiling, Ali asked, "What was that all about?"

Her daughter answered, "A power struggle."

"We try to have a sense of humor about it," Ali concludes. "If you can laugh about it, that's probably the best thing you can do."