You’ve learned to handle the tantrums. You dealt with toilet training and the tooth fairy years ago. But suddenly, you have a 10-year-old standing in front of you -- and she thinks the whole world hates her. How do you solve this one?

"Next to babyhood, preteenage years impact directly how your child approaches the rest of his life," says Debra Dejonge, director of Kitchener-Waterloo Counseling and social worker for Catholic Family Services."

"Just Go Away!"
They don't always mean that.

In fact, staying actively involved in your child’s life through the turbulent prepubescent years cements your relationship before you encounter the storms of puberty. Learn about his likes and dislikes, and take an active role in what interests him. Volunteer in his classroom or go along for special outings. If you can't do this, schedule time each day to be together without distractions. Get to know the names of his friends, and invite them to "hang out" at your house. Don’t be afraid to show your changing child that his life matters to you.

Every parent finds a different time and way to be with her child. Lorna Loewen of Edmonton, Alberta, finds the best time to be with her children is just before bed. "Things I couldn't even get an answer for during the day suddenly become very open at this private time together," Loewen says. Keeping the gate open without judgement is the best way parents can maintain contact with their children.

Help her build a vocabulary to describe her feelings and re-frame them in a positive light. Transform "sad," "bad" and "mad" to words that reflect positive qualities: "proud," "resourceful" and "strong." By building a self-talk vocabulary and talking herself through a dilemma with positive thinking, she can diffuse troublesome situations on her own. I have a problem, I don't want to deal with it, I have to deal with it, and finally, I can deal with this by…

As well as being with your children, it's important to be separate, too. When Mom has had a rough day and needs a few minutes to herself, that's OK. Model behavior your children can use when they don't want to talk. "Tell them if it's not a good time to talk, and respect that when they say it to you," says Dejonge. Children need to see parents taking time for themselves to realize how much better a relationship can be when you come together again.

"Nobody Likes Me"
What do you say when your daughter, in a fit of tears and desperation, wails this abysmal judgment of her life? Don’t panic and don’t deny it. Everyone has bad days once in a while and acknowledgment helps. "'Sounds like you’ve had a rough day. Let’s talk,' is a great way to get her to open up," says Dejonge. Let her vent her feelings and explain why she feels no one likes her. Then help her to re-frame those negative feelings. Don’t minimize her feelings by saying something like, "Lots of people like you. I like you." Try to empathize with her truth and talk about her feelings. Let her explore her relationships while you listen and gently nudge her along with statements like, "It sounds like you feel..." or "That must have really hurt your feelings."

Once you’ve dealt with the traumatic life-altering event that has her feeling so discouraged, move on. "Find something positive about her day and one person who does like her," says Dejonge. Encourage her to find the solution herself and help her realize the day couldn’t have been all bad. "Maybe she cleaned the chalkboard for her teacher or helped a younger student during recess," says Dejonge. Dwell on the positive feelings and help her build her self-esteem.

"I'm Not Good At Anything"
Sometimes it isn’t easy to find something your child can do really well. Not everyone likes sports, and forcing a child into a situation she’s not comfortable with compounds feelings of inadequacy. "Search the community and find out what’s available," Dejonge says. Math, computer or art classes may be what she needs to feel better about herself. Focus on something your child enjoys, and build on that foundation.

Use chores at home to build feelings of importance within the family. Elizabeth McGie of Chico, Calif. uses routine chores to teach her children that they are an important part of the family. "Anything that emphasizes development and competency in children is a good thing," McGie says. Dejonge agrees. "This is central to creating a support system for any child. If she knows she is a valued and needed member of an extended family, she will rely on that family in times of crisis."

Children need to be praised for their efforts as much as for their accomplishments. Trying to resolve differences isn’t easy -- and the result isn’t always what your child wanted. Let her know you are proud of how hard she tried to make the situation right. Let her see your failures, too, so she realizes you aren't infallible.

Crisis: "I Want To Die"
Take every cry for help seriously. Ask questions about how she feels and what is happening right now. "Determine the degree of hopelessness or helplessness," Dejonge says. Ask her directly if she has a plan; the more detailed the plan, the higher the risk.

If you are concerned, get help. "The first step is often the family doctor because he is your best resource tool for finding help in your community," Dejonge says. Don't feel you are overreacting when a child brings up the subject of death. It's far better to err on the side of life.

Getting any child through the prepubescent years requires more than sending them out to play with their friends. Get involved and let her know you care.

When your child opens up, listen. Actively hear what she says, and know the difference between needing an ear and seeking advice, says Loewen. "Sometimes she just needs to be heard."