The Hidden Message
"It takes two to argue, and I'm ready whenever you are!"

Think About It
If you have a child like Jennifer, and you're constantly frustrated with her, it's time for an exercise a wise old teacher once described: Point your index finger in the classic way, and check out the three fingers now pointing back at you. In other words, you need to acknowledge and take responsibility for your own argumentative behavior before you attempt to correct your child's. Every time you rationalize, explain and bicker with a child who is willing to deliberate every point, you give her more and more leeway in which to plead her case.

Consider the question a famous philosopher posed long ago – you know the one – that begins with, "If a tree falls in a forest" and adapt it to Judy's situation. If a tree argues with another tree that doesn't argue back, is there indeed an argument?

Changes You Can Make
If you really want your child to stop arguing with you, give her less feedback when she begins her dispute process. Shut it right down by stating your case in a firm, authoritative manner – and then being quiet. Ignore the ensuing argumentative comments or simply repeat your original request. If you're too tempted to argue back then walk away for a few minutes and promise yourself you won't let this issue turn into a two-way argument. Teach your child that your word is final. Realize that, when you do this, your very vocal child will have to complain a bit. But when you fail to respond to her, these arguments turn into harmless mumbling.

A different option is to change the tiring process of "arguing" into a more productive mode of "debating." The idea here is to adopt and enforce the standard rules for formal debate. Since some children really do enjoy the give-and-take of a debate, you can encourage this process – which is healthy and instructive in the right context – by setting limits. Let your child know which issues can and can't be debated. Have a standard reply for a non-negotiable issue such as, "This is not open for discussion." Let her know that raising of voices, name-calling or rude comments will not be accepted or acknowledged, and that each party must be given time to explain a point of view without interruption. To help her understand that these are universally accepted bylaws, show her books that instruct in the fine art of debate. Explain that debating is an extracurricular activity in many fine schools, and that a well-established set of rules governs the highly refined process. Amaze her with the fact that many perfectly sane people pay vast sums of money to learn the intricacies of that very process – in law school. Be sure, however, to show her how the process employed between parent and child differs from a standard court. In the High Court of Home, you are Supreme Court Judge – and you decide which things can be debated and which cannot, when an argument is concluded, and what the final decision will be, regardless of her finesse during the debate process.

One parenting skill that every parent of a Lawyer Wannabe would be wise to master, and use often, is offering choices instead of issuing commands. Kids with a ready answer to every statement often do very well when given a choice. In this story, if Judy would have revised her command – "Take out the trash while I'm making dinner" – into a choice – "Would you like to take out the trash now or after we eat?" Jennifer may well have done the job without complain, since she has been given some control over her destiny. (If Jennifer concludes that she doesn't want to do either, you can just smile and respond, "That wasn't one of the choices. Now or after dinner?")

Another way to reduce the number of times your Lawyer Wannabe takes on a case is to implement specific routines and rules in your home. As an example, if kitchen clean up and trash removal occurs immediately after the last bite of food is consumed at the table, and homework is done immediately after clean up, then your child will develop routine habits that leave less room for argument. In the same vein, having specific family rules that are agreed to and written down will create specific expectations between you.

A child's desire to argue with a parent has its roots in the eternal childhood quest for power. And if she can provoke a spirited response from you, and open the floor for an argument between equal parties, she knows she has the power. You can take it away by implementing the procedures described in this chapter. Or you can choose to control how much power she has by setting limits to your debate or by giving her choices; this allows her the sense of control she's after, while allowing you to retain firm grip on the gavel.

Want to see more?

• Arguing and Back-Talk
• Curing a Foul Mouth
• Teaching Telephone Tactics
• It's Um, Like, You Know
• Talk About It!

About the Author: Elizabeth Pantley, author and parent educator, is an iParenting expert panelist. She is the mother of four children.